How do you define a friend? A person who is loving, caring, sharing, understanding, loyal, trustworthy, honest and lastly someone who accepts you for who you are during the good and bad times. The adjectives for a friend is endless and I have tried to cover most of them but still even after defining the word “friend” so beautifully I fail to understand the meaning of a true friend. During our lifetime we meet so many different people and some of them just get resonate with us so well that we end up being friends with them.
We all have our childhood friends, school friends, college friends, office friends in our lives even I had friends from all these categories once. Though I had very rare friends, however, I used to feel blessed to have them in my life. They all have a beautiful part in my life which I cherish today as well and I think everyone leaves an imprint on our soul. Today I am in my 20’s and I had a few good friends with whom I was in touch till the last few months. I actually used to count them as my true friends and I know they are good souls but sometimes a person might not intentionally do bad to you but that thing leaves such an impression on you that it’s hard for you to trust them back so you let go things.
I was going through a bad phase in my relationship, and I was really broke that time, I only had my family with me. What shocked me more was that I got to know that even my own friends said things about me which contributed to this phase of my life. These are the times of everyone’s life where you need your friends to support to uplift you and show you the right way to get back in life. But my case was totally different, and it was not that only one of my friend said things about me behind my back but it was too much for me to bear that few others also said things in a wrong way.
Infact, today also I wonder whether it was actually said in a wrong way or it came to me like that. I don’t know whether it was my friends who contributed or it was that person from whom I got to know about these things. These all situations arose many questions in my mind for every friend of mine. I wondered that I never tried nor even I thought in my dreams to do bad or even say bad things to anyone of my friend still I got these things in return from them after such an old friendship. These situations left me with a question that even after doing good to people you get so bad in return, especially the meaning of friendship that completely changed for me.
During the initial days of this phase, I was not in contact with anyone because I was depressed a lot and when these friends called me up to ask about me I didn’t feel like sharing anything with them now so I didn’t answer their calls and messages and they were sure that things are not good with me. I was off from social media as well so nobody knew what I am doing in life or where I am. This was a big reason for me to stay away from my friends. I always wanted to know who said what and to whom as it was not clear to me but I realized doing this won’t heal the damage that has been done.
A few months later, I was trying to settle back on the track of life then one of my friend whom I considered a true friend(he was also involved) messaged me saying” I don’t know what happened to you and why you are not in contact with anyone, I tried contacting you, your family members”. After thinking a lot I thought to reply and ask him that why he did all that. He said, “Nikita, I can never do or think to do bad to you or hurt you in any way”. I told him that I need to talk to you over the phone because it is really important for my life to know why all of you said things about me which made things worse. I called him up” I started shouting and crying that just tell me why you did all this to me, I considered you a good friend and this is what I got in return”. He replied,” Nikita, I never said anything to anyone, I don’t know why you are saying all this”. All I understood that he didn’t say anything to anyone but again how few things got revealed about me. I called up my another friend after talking to him” asked him if he said anything. He replied” Nikita, why will I say things about you, whatever is going with you is not a joke for me either”. I really got fed up after everyone kept their points and proved that they never said anything about me to anyone.
After a few days, I met one of my friends in order to ask her if she said anything or if she knows anything. She also said,” Nikita, I don’t know what happened in your life neither any of the friends said anything to her about me”.
Sometimes in life, even the good people become wrong in your life not intentionally though. This friend, in fact, all my friends are really good and I know that very well but whatever happened in my life because of them made me stop communicating with them further. Even after talking to them to know who did what or who said what, I was still not sure who is that person who said things about me because things just can’t come out on their own and no one of them accepted whatever they said nor they tried to fix things. This all became a big mess for me as everyone proved themselves that they haven’t said things about me. I decided not to talk to them as nobody bothers and I started living a life where I found friends in my own family members.
You have to pay attention to what’s happening in your life and don’t try to interrupt the process. People will show up and show their true colors and you have to respond accordingly. You may have to cut off some people whom you’ve considered friends. Anyone who is toxic and refuses to grow and change must be left behind until they are ready to catch up.
Maybe it just became a reason and I know somewhere I might be wrong as I still don’t know the truth, nor I am blaming my friends completely for whatever happened in my life but after all this, the word friend has completely changed its meaning in my dictionary.
This is how I define the word” FRIEND” now.
Throughout my life journey and especially in the bad times I have realized that it’s only your own family that stands by you and understands you completely. So from now, I believe in the principle of “expect nothing from anyone” and discover your own happiness within yourself first.
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